“From Hell’s heart I stab at thee”
Christmas is upon us once again! That magical season when people are marginally less shitty and grown-ass adults watch Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and—in a fever of maudlin nostalgia—try to convince themselves it isn’t raw, untreated sewage. It is a time when families gather around hearth and table to be lectured by their resident college freshman about how the supposedly Christian symbols which mark this season were actually co-opted from paganism by the early Church. It is a time when conservatives fulminate against the “War on Christmas” and the progressive-liberal-atheist-gay straw men who wage it. It is a time when the ravenous machinery of consumerism cloaks itself in cheap sentimentality and insufficient acts of charity in order to further its own gluttonous agenda. Yes, there is no other time of year when all the terribleness of humanity is held in such stark relief against the pure light of some hypothetical joy we shall never attain.
Absolute garbage
So it is fitting that I use this time of phony emotionality to feign a spirit of quiet reflection and magnanimity and tell you all how very important you are to me. Although for eleven months out of the year I either a) don’t care about you or b) actively wish you harm, the Yuletide finds me wallowing in a state of misty-eyed gratitude. While this gratitude is purely one-dimensional, existing only to feed my narcissistic yearning for validation, I assure you it is genuine. I see you all as very minor players in my epic story and I feel I must grudgingly acknowledge your presence (however peripheral) on the stage of my life.
I don’t personally know any of you nor am I invested in any tangible, practical way in your lives but let me at least do the bare minimum and wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope this empty sentiment finds you and yours blessed this holiday season but with no real accountability or emotional connection between us, it doesn’t really matter. Ultimately we are each of us alone in the void.
“Love” and “Peace”,
Urple
p.s. Karen if you’re reading this I would really love a Keurig®
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